Humor

Comedians' View of the U.S. Election Campaign

WASHINGT0N - With the U.S. presidential election campaign under way, late-night comedy television show hosts are taking a humorous look at the candidates.


Here are some lines broadcast on Monday:

NBC's "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno":

"President Bush was out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. If Bush wants to tout his record he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India or Thailand or China."

"John Kerry is claiming that leaders of other countries have told him they hope he defeats President Bush in November. President Bush is now challenging John Kerry to name those foreign leaders. That's a first, Bush challenging anyone to name a foreign leader."

"John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's not going to show up for this."

CBS' "The Late Show with David Letterman":

"The presidential campaign is really heating up. George Bush, his campaign is really doing much, much better, and he's shot right up in the polls since he captured Martha Stewart."

"John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either."

Meat from Farm May Have Had Human Remains

VANCOUVER, British Columbia - Pork products processed and distributed from the farm of accused Canadian serial killer Robert Pickton may have contained human remains, police and health officials said.


Pickton raised and slaughtered pigs at the Port Coquitlam farm as a part-time occupation until his arrest at the property in February 2002, and police believe he gave or sold processed meat products to friends and acquaintances.

Pickton, 53, is awaiting trial in the killings of at least 22 of more than 60 missing Vancouver prostitutes who disappeared over the past decade and are feared to have been murdered at the dilapidated farm 20 miles east of Vancouver.

"Given the state of the farm, and what we know about the investigation, we cannot rule out the possibility that cross-contamination may have occurred," B.C. provincial Health Officer Perry Kendall told reporters in Victoria.

"Cross-contamination could mean that human remains did get into or contaminate some of the pork meat," Kendall said.

Officials stressed that the farm's pig slaughtering operation was not officially licensed and he did not sell processed meat to retail outlets.

"There is no evidence we are dealing with anything other than a very specific localized issue, with a specific number of local people," said Cpl. Catherine Galliford of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

Kendall said he was not contacted by the police until last month when they asked a "hypothetical question' about the potential health risk. He issued the alert when they later said it probably happened.

Details of evidence from the farm were presented in court last year at Pickton's preliminary hearing, but a court order prohibits reporters who covered the hearing from publishing details of what they heard until it is used in his trial, which will likely not start until next year.

Police defended the timing of their contacting health officials, saying it was needed to protect the investigation, although they also acknowledged more people may have received meat from Pickton than they had originally thought.

"We have carefully considered all the issues," said Vancouver Police Detective Shelia Sullivan.

Pickton is officially charged with 15 murders but prosecutors have said seven more counts are waiting to be filed. Tests have identified the DNA of nine more women, but not yet resulted in charges.

The victims were among more than 60 drug-addicted prostitutes who disappeared from Vancouver's poor Downtown Eastside neighborhood. Families of the missing women expressed horror at the news, with one telling a Vancouver radio station bluntly. "I'm not eating dinner tonight."

Pickton, in custody since his arrest, is the only person charged in the case. He has not entered a plea to the criminal charges but denied wrongdoing in a related civil lawsuit.

Police Bust Up Nearly Nude Protest

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (Reuters) - Police arrested six shivering protesters on Monday after they braved cool temperatures and staged a nearly naked pillow fight outside Harvard University to promote animal rights.


The five women and one man, members of the group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, were arrested on criminal misdemeanor charges, said police spokesman Frank Pasquarello.

"This is nothing compared to what the animals go through," protester Karla Waples, wearing nothing but pasties to cover her nipples and a pair of panties, shouted to reporters as she was led in handcuffs to a waiting police van.

Before their arrest, the activists chanted "Love in, Fur out" as they frolicked on a mattress outside the Ivy League school. A large crowd, including several blue-collar workers, watched the protest with broad smiles across their faces.

"We thought we'd seen it all, but this is a first," said Scott Nelson, an electrician on his lunch break.

It was the latest in a string of publicity stunts by the group, whose supporters include former "Baywatch" star Pamela Anderson. Just last month, PETA members staged a topless Valentine's Day protest outside luxury leather goods maker Louis Vuitton's flagship store on the Champs-Elysees in Paris.

Monday's demonstration was not meant as a criticism of Harvard, a PETA spokesman said. Rather, it came hours before PETA Vice President Dan Mathews, among those arrested, was due to address Harvard Professor Brian Palmer's popular "Personal Choice and Global Transformation" class.

RED SOX FIT NOMAR JUST FINE

FORT MYERS — The Red Sox ghost of shortstops past and present ambled out of the clubhouse wearing a T-shirt celebrating the Patriots' Super Bowl championship, a designer pair of sunglasses, and a desire to use humor to dissolve this first public — and thoroughly awkward — appearance in camp.


"Great, the seat still fits," he quipped as he slid into a wooden bench. "Can you believe after these three months I'm still here in Fort Myers, and that the seat's still warm? That's nice."

Garciaparra's humor only slightly obscured the anger that continues to simmer beneath the surface, an anger piqued by the team's attempts to deal him out of Boston during its ill-fated December romance of Alex Rodriguez.

"Angry? I don't know if that's the word," he said. "I was definitely hurt by a lot of it. I probably feel like anyone else would feel after spending their whole career in one organization and getting in and doing what you do and having to find out you're traded or pretty much gone over the television. That's how I found out and that's how I feel."

Garciaparra said he wouldn't allow the uncomfortable circumstances of the winter to alter either the upcoming season or his evaluations of where he might end up after his contract expires in November.

"I want to stay a Red Sox for the rest of my life," he said before tipping his hat to the White Sox, to whom he was nearly dealt. "I'm excited my socks are still red. We have a phenomenal team and I want to be a part of it."

Garciaparra was reluctant to provide details about the status of his contract-extension talks with the Red Sox, although it's fair to assume that with the game's other two high-profile shortstops, Rodriguez and Derek Jeter, crowding the left side of the Yankees' infield two hours north in Tampa, Garciaparra's bargaining strength with the Red Sox has never been higher.

"Does it enhance my position? It was never about that," he said. "I've done everything I can. It's not about someone else enhancing my position, giving me this, giving me that. My position is what I do day in and day out."

For now, that position is with the Red Sox.

"There were a couple of times there I wondered if I would be needing to get a place in Tucson [where the White Sox train] or Vero Beach down the way [home of Dodgertown]," he said. "I'm glad I still had my connections in Fort Myers to get my place here."

Karaoke's Cinematic Offspring, Movieoke, Hits Town

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Frustrated actors have a new outlet for their creative urges that until now was only available to their singing cousins -- Movieoke, Karaoke's cinematic sibling.


The brainchild of film-fanatic Anastasia Fite, Movieoke is just what it sounds like: a chance for those brave enough to take over from Robert De Niro in his "You talkin' to me?" monologue in "Taxi Driver," or to strut their stuff alongside Ben Stiller in "Zoolander."

The weekly affair takes place in the Den of Cin, a basement space below an East Village pizza parlor and video store that offers a huge selection of films to act along with.

Guests select a specific scene from a movie that is then projected onto a big screen, while a monitor in front of them shows the scene along with subtitled dialogue.

The result is either a skillful rendering of the original lines or, more often than not, some sort of goof up that draws laughter from the audience.

So far, the Movieoke night has mostly drawn mid-20s movie buffs eager to relive scenes from their childhood favorites such as '80s classics "Breakfast Club" and "Heathers."

But you don't have to be a connoisseur, or in your 20s, to love Movieoke, though having a few beers upon arrival might help loosen things up.

"As long as you're not afraid to make a fool of yourself, it becomes a really communal experience," said Fite, who invented Movieoke last October and gives patrons their first beer free.

Not surprisingly given her passion for films, the Movieoke queen hails from Los Angeles. An energetic participant herself, Fite says she got the idea after making a short film about a girl who talked only in movie dialogue.

Matt Dujnic, a regular who played several roles throughout the evening, was clearly enthralled by the whole thing.

"It appeals to the aspiring never-to-be an actor in me," said Dujnic.

A small, but enthusiastic crowd attended Wednesday's session. First-timer Jon Ratner seemed completely at ease as he played pretty much every character in a scene from Eddie Murphy's "Coming to America."

"I've seen that movie more than I've seen myself in the mirror," he joked.